Time....Time....Time...... We all think that we have all the time in the world. In reality you really don't! It all can be stripped away from you in just one split second. When you go through what I have been through you look at things differently. I know now that when you care about or love someone you need to tell them how you feel because you might not get the chance to later.
I am so amazed how time just goes on. It has been 7 months since I have lost my husband. Just when I feel as though I can move on(those are not the words that I would particularly choose but I can't think of any others right now) something in my life happens to make that moment when I lost my husband feel like it was just yesterday. I will probably have these type of days for the rest of my life. I don't know, I have never been through this before and never want to go through it again! Wether it is something the kids say, a motorcycle driving by, a picture, a friend who doesn't know and then I have to tell them what had happened all over again, making the quilts, etc.....it all triggers some type of emotion. It could be the smallest simplest thing that triggers the emotions and pain, the funny thing is is that all of those things can trigger sad emotions or happy emotions, believe it or not....they all do!!
I am so happy that I was able to spend 11 years of my life with a Godly man that loved me and cherished me like Christ loved the church! Most people don't experience this type of love at all in their lifetime. I was always his bride :) I was not just his wife...I was always his bride! There is a difference. Bride to me means a newness, a freshness an excitement, and preparation. Think about what the bride looks like... A, crisp beautiful dress, the fragrance of perfume, lips richly colored, and eyes sparkling, not a hair out of place. Usually we picture a youthfulness or an innocence or both. It is similar how our relationship with Christ, according to the Bible, remains... a fresh and new.
I am now and always have been, since I accepted HIS invitation of eternal salvation, the bride of Christ!! HE(the bridegroom) might lead us to a difficult place or two or three, but we can trust HIM that there will be a purpose in our stay there and HE will never forsake us. In Jeremiah 2:2 God spoke to Israel... He said to her, "I remember the devotion of your youth/how as a bride you loved me/ and followed me through the desert." I have followed my bridegroom to the desert......a place of Loss, Hurt, Pain, Solitude, Anger, and Loneliness. Even though I have been to these places in the past year I have found that I have grown closer and closer to HIM through these circumstances. I have and will go through these journeys and will continue with HIM right there by my side. I don't like the deserts that we go through, no one does, but if we can learn and grow in HIM through the deserts then the mountain top experiences will truly be mountain top experiences.
Always looking up ~ Christina~
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Christina,
Like you said, "We all think that we have all the time in the world". It's been nearly four years since my Dad died. Some days it seems like yesterday and others it seems like it's been much longer than four years. Before he died, I had lost family members like my grandparents, but that was from natural causes, and it wasn't such a shock. I think the shock factor plays a lot into our emotions after something happens like it happened to my Dad or to Aaron. Because we didn't expect it to happen, our emotions run haywire. I think that's normal in extreme situations like you've experienced. I know that some of the things you are going through is because of the kids (mainly Samuel). Time will heal, but everyone needs different amounts of time. You were fortunate to have the relationship you had with Aaron and for it to have been such a great relationship. I know the two of you had your moments of good and bad, but it sounds like it was mostly good. Unfortunately, we can't all say that about our relationships. But... we do continue on and do the best we can.
I don't know where I would be now if it weren't for God's hand guiding me. If I didn't have the personal relationship with Him that I have, I would have probably given up a long time ago, but He always provides and brings me through (and usually makes me stronger and better for it).
You are a strong person. God will not lay more on you than you can handle. How much can you handle? How much can the kids handle? Who knows? God knows, and will take care of you and the kids. He'll probably have all kinds of good things for you in the future. But in His timing.
Later,
Richard
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